Are You Really Fine, or Just Funny?

The art of answering “How are you?” with wit, honesty, or a splash of chaos

Question: What are some witty responses to “How are you?”

The question “How are you?” is often the social equivalent of an empty coffee cup — passed around more out of habit than genuine curiosity. But what if we treated that question as an invitation to inject humor, irony, or even quiet rebellion into the day?

Most people answer with auto-pilot phrases: “Good,” “Fine,” or the oddly tragicomic “Living the dream.” But some responses — witty, sharp, and layered — break the mold. They play with language, timing, and even philosophy. Here are a few that reveal more than just your mood; they offer a glimpse into how cleverly you carry your internal chaos.

• “Vertical and breathing.” It’s dry, it’s minimalist, and it tells just enough. You’re alive, but not exactly thriving. Bonus if delivered with a deadpan expression.
• “Why don’t you ask my therapist?” A self-aware jab at how rarely we tell the truth when asked, it invites either a laugh or an awkward silence — both satisfying in their own way.
• “Somewhere between a 1997 dial-up modem and a badger in a box.” Pure chaos. The person won’t know how to respond, and that’s exactly the point.
• “I’m 60% water and 40% existential dread.” A delightful remix of human composition that blends biology with emotional reality. It’s accurate, and oddly poetic.
• “I don’t know — I outsourced that question to my anxiety.” For those days when you’re present in body but your mind is in three simultaneous crisis meetings.
• “Better than I deserve.” It sounds humble. It sounds charming. But it also sounds like someone who’s either hiding a body or just finished listening to 300 hours of Dave Ramsey.
• “Unbelievable.” That’s it. Just that word. It lets the other person fill in the blanks, and it fits in any emotional landscape — joy, horror, or everything in between.

But perhaps the most powerful response isn’t the wittiest. It’s the one that gently pokes at the irony of our small talk routines:
“Do you want the real answer or the polite one?”
That question turns the mirror back. It gives the asker a choice, and you — a chance to connect beyond the script.

Because beneath every clever quip or deflective joke is often the longing to be seen — not just as “fine” or “great” or “better than yesterday” — but as someone who feels, struggles, hopes, and heals in real time. Witty replies are fun. But sometimes, authenticity is the sharpest wit of all.